


How to Quarantine

by artificiallifecreator



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificiallifecreator/pseuds/artificiallifecreator
Summary: when you're a vigilante without a spleen and with busybodies for friends!
Relationships: Tim Drake & Tam Fox
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim's skateboard broke so he obviously can't leave his office, and this is obviously why he can't leave his office, why would there be a different reason? He still has his pants, how dare anyone think otherwise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> askanis said (in C&C's misc-life channel), "The new policy at work is that all staff meetings should happen over Zoom, and I get why, but the mental image of the four of us who work in this building sitting in our various corners and talking over Zoom like we can't all see each other is... :joy:"

When the call connects, Tam is not at all impressed: “We have like, three empty conference rooms *on this floor alone*, not to mention our own offices. Why are we having this meeting digitally?” She huffs. Are we just gonna sit in our various corners like we can’t all stand up and see each other?”

Tim leans back—adjusts his chair. “This has everything to do with the looming quarantine and nothing to do with the wheel I broke on my skateboard or the milkshake I may or may not have dropped on my trousers.”

Tam actually drops her head to her desk. “Are you serious right now.”

“I have no spleen, Tam! I’m very serious about this potential quarantine.”

Tam drags herself upright. “Ye know what? Good point.” She pokes her phone. “Hey, Pru? Tim’s raised a good point—“

Tim reaches—uselessly—for her phone through the computer screen.

Tam spins lazily. “—about this virus and his asplenia. Will you come pick Tim up and get him in lockdown please?”

Tim drops his head to the desk.

“Oh, and will you bring an extra pair of trousers? He had an accident earlier. Thanks!”

To his desk, Tim whispers, “*Why are you like this?*”

Tam, voice _full_ of smiles, reports, "Pru'll be here with your jammies in twenty minutes." He hears her clasp her hands. "While we wait, we can make some headway on this fiscal report!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written June09/2020 in misc-life-et-fandom. I also said "You’re bros, sitting six feet apart in the ~~hot tub~~ office to promote social distancing!" XDD


	2. Steph & Tim (& Tam & Ra's)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why do you have a selfie with a sock on your head?"
> 
> Steph snoops through Tim's phone. The results bore and concern her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> askanis said (in Capes & Coffee's misc-life channel), "I asked my friend for help picking hair dye, and she asked for photos of me holding up things in the relevant colors, and _that's_ how I ended up putting a sock on my head and taking a selfie" and I just had to write _something_. So I did!

Steph, flopped over the arm of the sofa with _Tim_ 's phone, asks, "Hey, Ex-Boyfriend?"

Tim, trying desperately to save his DragonQuest (Builders 2) avatar from drowning in in lava, grunts.

Steph glances at the TV and snorts, then returns to scrolling on _Tim_ 's phone. "Got a question for you."

Tim's avatar flies from the lava (bless water physics) and splatters to the Citadel Flooring ... right in front of a fire breathing gargoyle.

"So, for the most part, the photos on this remarkably boring phone of yours are disappointingly unincriminating--"

Tim's avatar flails around with their sword as Tim (himself) mashes the triangle button.

"Which, for the record, I find incredibly disappointing."

Tim swears _passionately_ as an enemy knocks his avatar back ... into the path of a second fire breathing gargoyle.

"I choose to interpret that statement as a reflection of your self-ashamedness."

Absently, Tim replies, "Sure."

Steph coos, "I love it when you're so agreeable."

"Mhm."

"Anyway. You may have noticed I said "for the most part" the photos are boring. Really well-framed, but absolutely _devoid_ of blackmail material."

"That's so sad."

"My thoughts exactly! The remainder of your extensive and disappointing gallery, however." Steph clasps her hands and _Tim_ 's phone over her stomach. "I have serious concerns."

"You got it."

"A sock, Timmy? A _sock_? Oh, thanks, Aubergine."

A ninja deposits a tray of drinks and healthy snacks on the coffee table, bows, and slinks away.

"Timmy. _Why_ did you take a selfie with a sock on your head?"

Tim squeezes the combo buttons; the enemy writhes and keels over, and a cutscene starts. He takes a deep breath and sinks into the couch, then turns to Steph--frowns, "Why do you have my phone?"

Steph looks back flatly. "Snooping for blackmail material." Shoves his phone at him. "Selfie with a sock?"

Tim ... is drawing a considerable blank. He says, "I'm trying to figure out if that's Miss Martian trolling me or some kind of mind control." He blinks. "Or both."

"Timmy, you took this like three days ago. How do you not remember putting a sock on your head?"

"I ...." Tim shakes his head. "I don't know."

Steph's is a pitying look. "Ex-Boyfriend."

Tim sighs. "I knoooow."

"I get that all the days are blurring together--"

"IT'S NOT A SOCK!" Tim's on his feet, pointing victoriously.

"It's clearly a sock."

"Yes, it's a sock." Tim rolls his eyes. "But it _wasn't_ a sock at the time."

"Tim, this photo with that time stamp _very prominently_ features a sock."

"No, I mean, the sock was not the purpose." Tim ... "Oh my god that sounded dumb." Tim ... "The purpose of that photo was not to take a selfie with a sock on my head."

Steph looks at the phone, looks back at Tim.

Tim huffs. "I needed new glasses but with the whole ~house arrest~ thing--"

"It's called 'self-isolation' and it's to keep you alive, Ex-Spleenfriend."

Tim waves a dismissive hand. "I can't just go out and get some new frames, so I asked Tam and she said she'd take care of it--"

"Objection, Your Honor."

Tim raises an expectant eyebrow.

"Do you or do you not live with three house assassins and some number of ninja."

"Objection sustained, Ms Brown. Said house assassins and ninja don't have the samples for what colors compliment my complexion."

Steph looks at him.

Tim looks back.

"You are a something, Timothy Drake-Wayne."

Tim--

"Which is a good thing! A very good thing!" Steph grins sheepishly. "I just don't have the right word for that 'something'."

Tim bows his head. "Compliment accepted and appreciated."

Steph smiles, "I'm glad." Then becomes pensive. "Another objection, Your Honor."

Tim frowns, but in a way that evokes, 'what could it be this time?'.

Steph flops out an arm. "And do not bite me for this."

Tim replies flatly, "No promises."

"Are you or are you not grudgingly associated with a helicopter god king eco-terrorist person obsessed with your wardrobe?"

Tim siiiiiiighs. "I am, Your Honor."

"Don't get me wrong, I totally get why you spilled your guts to Tam. But."

Tim raises the hem of his shirt and an eyebrow.

Steph huffs, but, "I totally get why you spilled your _metaphorical_ guts to Tam."

Tim snickers, though only for a moment because he frowns, but in a way that evokes, 'I don't like that this is my life'. "He's holed up in Taj al Shaytin."

Steph's turn to frown. "Mr Lockdown, dare I ask how you even know that?"

Tim smiles thinly. "I get a copy of his travel itinerary each week."

"That is so weird and yet so ... considerate."

"I know, rite? He even texted me expressing concern about fabricating and transporting a new pair without contaminating them." Tim thinks. "There should be a 'locally' in there somewhere." 

Steph shakes her head slowly. "Weird and considerate. Anyway."

"Right. So Tam couldn't get a hold of Wardrobe for my color panel so she asked for photos of me holding up things to my face in ... ~colors~."

"Which is how you ended up putting a sock on your head and taking a selfie."

"Which is how I ended up putting a sock on my head and taking a selfie."

Steph studies his phone for a loooooong moment.

Tim takes the opportunity to sit back down and help himself to some celery-and-almond butter.

"Why d'you need new glasses?" Steph asks innocently.

"I broke them."

"How?"

"Being clumsy."

"Figured." Steph bats her eyelashes innocently. "In what manner were you clumsy?"

"The usual way."

"That describes like eight different scenarios. If I can't get blackmail material from your photo gallery I'll get it from tragic backstories."

"I maaaay ...." Tim sinks deeply into the couch. "... have been a bit too enthusiastic trying to win a level of Beat Saber."

"You swung yourself around and hit something."

Tim grimaces. "Face first on the side of the couch." Throws out a hand. "That armrest, actually."

"Haaaaaaaa." Steph grins mightily. "I love it."

"I'm so glad."

"Also explains the nose-shaped bloodstain."

"Oh shut up."

(A ninja wrings their hands in distress at having failed to fully remove said bloodstain.)

Steph drags her head around. "So can I see 'em?"

"Definitely." Tim stuffs his hand between the couch cushions and feels around.

"Sweetie, you keep your brand new glasses in the couch?"

"Yup!"

Steph shakes her head--

"Aha!" Tim yanks out a substantial case.

Steph raises an eyebrow.

"Close your eyes."

Steph does as requested.

After a moment, Tim gives the all clear.

Steph ... "Tim."

He grins.

"Those are _glorious_."

"Aren't they?" Tim poses to one side, showing off a burnished orange pair of sturdy, horn-rimmed glasses _with sparkles and rhinestones_!!!! "And they won't break if I smash my face again! _And_ they have transitional lenses."

"Mr Drake Wayne!" Steph mirrors the :o emoji. "Are you suggesting you could wear those on patrol?"

Tim ... "Oh my god that hadn't even occurred to me." Looks at Steph beseechingly. "Stephie, how am I so dumb?"

"You aren't dumb," Steph scoffs, then she smirks. "You're just not me."

"No, I am most certainly not."

"As proof of my victory--" Steph makes grabby hands. "--give me those glasses, I wanna try them on."

Tim happily hands them over.

"How do I look?"

"Absolutely fantastic. Stunning. _Magnificent_."

Steph pouts and takes a selfie of herself with *Tim*'s phone.

"Can I have my phone back?" asks Tim.

"Oh hush." Steph grins at the screen. "These are so _amazing_ we should totes get matching pairs and wear them to the post-lockdown brunch."

Tim stuffs his hand into the couch. "Why, Ms Brown, are you suggesting that you would appreciate such a pair of glasses?"

"Appreciate?" Steph scoffs. "Nay, I would _treasure!"_

"Good!" Tim hauls out a second glasses case. "Because Tam got me a backup pair, too!"

"Oh my god I have never been happier to be predictable." Steph evokes the heart eyes emoji at her bedazzled, etc sunglasses. "Say, are you two still getting mawwied?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picture [these](https://www.smileyartgoods.com/store/p223/rhinestoned_elves_sunglasses.html) but without the doll heads XD
> 
> (originally published as part of "[Ask a Silly Question](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268251)".)


	3. Tim & Owens & Z & Ninja

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Owens has Opinions on Tim’s online purchases, not to mention his fashion choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in like, ten minutes--it was great!!!!--in the Z-Owens-Pru-Tim channel of Capes & Coffee, based off that message tabletoptime sent.  
> (Thank you, dahling, for your sense of style!)

> you know when you order something there's not much practical use for and then it arrives and you're like "well i guess i *will* be wearing this cape all day then"  
> \--tabletoptime

Sprawled on the couch, Owens tosses a sparkly, Wonder Girl themed stress ball into the air. “I get wearing a cape as, well, a Cape.” Catches the ball. “I even understand the appeal of wearing one as our god king.” Tosses it back up. “If I were our Master—“

On the floor by the TV where he’s _still_ cataloguing video games— _just how many does Tweety Bird own???_ —Z says, without any venom whatsoever, “How dare.”

Owens just rolls his eyes. “—I would want to wear one too.”

Ball goes back up. 

“But as an everyday article of clothing? There isn’t much practical use for that, ay? I’m not mad?” 

Z pointedly doesn’t say anything. 

“Fuck you.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Owens tosses the ball at him. 

Z doesn’t even bother to look up to catch it. Asshole.

The doorbell rings. 

They both glance towards the ceiling as thumping echoes down—

From the stairs, Tim says cheerfully, “I’ll get it~” 

A _thud_. 

Tim screeches, “I can answer the fucking door!”

“Sure,” says Z, heading to the door. He does nod to the ninja perched atop Tim. “You can also catch a virus that’ll eat your blood, destroy your lungs, and leave you bedridden for four months.”

From the sounds of it, Tim pressed his face to the rug in an attempt to muffle his shriek of frustration, but it wasn’t really muffled. 

Z answers the door, apparently receives a package, and opens the front closet—“Owens."

“What.”

“You just _had_ to say something.”Now he’s curious. “what?”

Brightly, Tim says, “Is that my cape?”

“Yes,” Z replies. “You can have it after I’ve decontaminated it.” 

“Fine,” says Tim. “Can thé ninja let me up now?”

“Once I’m downstairs.”

Tim sighs Very Loudly.

“Hey, Zeddy,” calls Owens.

“What.”

“We cooould just let him die.” Shrugs. “Bring him back once this whole thing blows over.”

Z makes a show of considering this. 

“You are all terrible people,” says Tim. 

“And _you_ ," Owens replies, "are undermining our every efforts to keep you breathing.”

“I’m sorry that I’m not used to constant adult supervision!”

Now _that_ is a personal affront. 

Owens glares in Tim’s general direction. “Well you see, June Bug—“

“Do not quote _The Lego Movie_ at me,” growls Tim. “Damnit, took you look enough.” 

The ninja scurries into view, bows, and flits out of sight. 

Tim tromps into view, looking like someone who was tackled to the floor and sat on for a few minutes. 

“Stress ball?” asks Owens. 

Tim glowers at him, spins on his heel, and falls backwards onto—

“Oof!” Owens flails. “Why are you still all muscle!” 

“That’s your diaphragm talking,” Tim says sweetly. 

Owens just melts into the couch and replies intelligently, “Uuuuuuuurg.”

About half an hour later, Z, in new clothes, emerges from the Nest with a bundle of fabric. 

Tim sits up straight—

“BLURG,” yelps Owens. 

“Why thank you!” sparkles Tim. 

Owens croaks, “Ninja can catch you better!”

Tim rocks back—

“OOOF.”

—and rolls to his feet—

"HHHHHH."

—and accepts the fabric. 

Owens wheezes, over-dramatically but he was just sat on, so. “Wildly impractical!”

Tim fixes the fabric around his neck. “Well then I guess I _will_ be wearing this cape all day!” Twirls around. “I think it’s neat.” 

And then he actually skips back to his office. He _skips_.

Owens just make a better cushion than he thought!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This does imply Tim that doesn't already own at least one non-vigilante cape, but I want to put it on record that I headcanon Tim already owning at least three capelets. The issue with him wearing them though is that when he does, the Dandy level in the surrounding area reaches peak intensity and no one can get anything done.


End file.
